Hate Mail, and Other Fun Library Perks

Are you looking for adventure and excitement? Financial freedom? Ways to fix the hole in your sock? Then look no further. The library will fill that gaping hole in your life (and maybe your sock too, if you crochet creatively).

Five Reasons to Love the Library

1. Save money on books so you can spend it on the gas it takes to get to the library. Well, part of the way to the library. If you live close by, you can save that money for your overdue fines. Which leads to

2. Hate Mail. You can have your book and get attention for it! Nothing says “You are special” like a predictable stream of personalized letters sent right to you! The ever-increasing intensity of the letters is simply the librarians’ way of showing you are loved. (Or at least stalked.) Of course, you may never be able to show your face in the library again—but then, your frequent dashes to the mailbox will prove to the neighbors that you have a very special, committed, long-distance relationship.

Which you do.

Pearls Before Swine: the next step in the stalker/hatemail process.

3. Learn useless things in REAL life. Forget the Internet. You can fill your head with loads of information without ever touching a computer. Waste time endlessly and still get your exercise by shuffling through the aisles. For example, from the Non-fiction section:

  • Marshmallow is not just the fluffy confection, it is a plant that can exude a strong syrup, from which the candy was originally made.
  • You can tan an animal skin using ingredients found in your average kitchen. Assuming you store certain ingredients in your average kitchen.
  • Crocheting is not a girl thing! Boys can do it too! (Note: See picture. It is painfully difficult to make crocheting look attractive to twelve-year-old boys. Enough said.)

No, I did not just look those up on Wikipedia for examples. Yes, I just pulled them out of my head, from actual books. No, I will probably never use them again. See how much fun this is?

4. A Nap Away From Home. It’s the gift you give yourself. Curl up in that big comfy reading chair in the sun. Where else will you find such blissful quiet? Where else can you go unconscious in a public place and not be robbed?* Take my advice and drool on the furniture in peace. When your cell phone alarm blasts and you are forcibly removed from drool, chair, and premises—don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*Not responsible for any stolen or borrowed items. This is a library, after all.

5. Libraries are like speed-dating for commitment-phobes. I’ve always thought buying a book is so serious. I part with my hard-earned cash for something I’ve never read. —Is it any good? —Will I hate it? Will I wish I had my $18.95 back plus shipping and handling? What if all the recommendations were a scam, and now it will sit on my shelf mocking me forever, having made me both wiser and poorer? And that book is like a mail-order bride, lost and away from its wonderful book-family and friends, and I am rejecting it?!? Oh, the horror!! The shame!!!

Whoa, deep breath, Elena.

(Why I never buy books: the emotional strain is too much.)

Rest assured. The library will save you. (Me.) You don’t have to marry the book, just maybe go on a date with it. You are under no obligation to pay for its coffee or even walk it past the library doors. All you commitment-phobes can rest easy. (For Elena’s short list of book-speed-dating questions, click here.)

All the rest of you? You who think I’m nuts? Who probably buy books daily without a twinge of guilt? I hate you.

Unless occasionally visit your library, and then I guess we can still be friends.


4 thoughts on “Hate Mail, and Other Fun Library Perks

  1. I have the opposite problem: When I buy books, I can’t get rid of them! I keep them for years, even techie books that are obsolete! I try to drop them into a box to donate them, but I can’t let go!

    • Yes! Me too! It’s like, it’s so big, and solid, and permanent, all that paper…I just don’t want to throw it away. I feel better when I can sell it, but sometimes all you can do is cut it up for a craft project, or… get someone else to throw it away when you’re not looking… 🙂
      Thanks for reading!

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